Santa’s Secrets
The SMT Exclusive Interview with Mr. Claus
Interview by Thomas Atkins
Photos by Greg Kristapovich
Santa waving to his fans at the famous Twain Harte Christmas Parade
After the SMT staff came up with nearly seventy questions to ask Santa Claus we were able to squeeze in a brief interview with him in Twain Harte while he took a break from his extremely busy schedule. Along with Santa, we wish all of our readers a Merry Christmas! Here is what he had to say. Enjoy!
SMT: Do you do interviews often?
Santa: “No…but I really enjoy reading the Sierra Mountain Times.”
SMT: It’s noted that you spend a lot of time in Twain Harte. Why?
Santa: “Well the weather is nice and the people at the Gables Cedar Creek Inn treat me really good.”
SMT: How old are you?
Santa: “I am not exactly sure, but I know it was before the Dead Sea was sick.”
SMT: Where were you born?
Santa: “California, but moved to the North Pole when my Dad got a job there.”
SMT: What was your childhood like?
Santa: “Never Never Land; you see, my Dad was a toy-maker.”
SMT: Where did you go to school and what did you major in?
Santa: “The Bay Area, where I got my teaching credential.”
SMT: What was your favorite subject?
Santa: “Woodshop and recess.”
SMT: Did the kids tease you about your name?
Santa: “Only my nickname, which was: nicky nicky timbo no so rimbo ooh my muchy momma wanna guichi.”
SMT: Did you ever participate in sports?
Santa: “I did a little wrestling.”
SMT: Do you have a favorite sport?
Santa: “MMA – Mixed Martial Arts.”
SMT: What is your favorite hobby?
Santa: “Scrabble.”
SMT: What did your parents do for a living?
Santa: “My dad was an accountant/Toy Maker.”
SMT: Did/do you have any pets?
Santa: “I had dogs, but now Mrs. Claus is my main squeeze.”
SMT: Who brought you presents when you were a kid?
Santa: “I made my own.”
SMT: When did you start delivering presents…and why?
Santa: “As soon as I had my sled permit. I had to do something with all the toys my Dad made.”
SMT: How did you get the job?
Santa: “Nepotism…remember what my Dad did?”
SMT: Who is your employer?
Santa: “I am self employed.”
SMT: Do you get paid?
Santa: “In smiles.”
SMT: How do you pay your expenses?
Santa: “With donations.”
SMT: What are your expenses?
Santa: “PG&E, Golden State Cellular and Kamps Propane.”
SMT: How long have you been married and where did you meet?
Santa: “Plenty-seven years ago we met in church.”
SMT: What does Mrs. Clause do?
Santa: “Everything I can’t do and anything I want her to do.”
SMT: How many employees do you have in Santa’s Workshop?
Santa: “Plenty-one or two.”
SMT: Are they all elves?
Santa: “Oh yes…however some are kind of big for their size.”
SMT: Where did you find them all?
Santa: “Most of them applied online.”
SMT: Who is your oldest elf?
Santa: “I am.”
SMT: Do your elves have ergonomically acceptable working conditions?
Santa: “I try to comply with and improve on ADA requirements.”
SMT: Are they getting the federally-mandated minimum wage – or more?
Santa: “All of my help are worth more than minimum wage.”
SMT: Do you provide the elves health benefits?
Santa: “All elves are exceptionally healthy, so I self insure.”
SMT: Do the elves work year round?
Santa: “No. You know what they say, ‘all work and no play makes elves unhealthy.’”
SMT: Where do elves like to vacation?
Santa: “Twain Harte and Terra Haute, Indiana.
SMT: How about you and Mrs. Claus?
Santa: “Twain Harte, Oberlin, Ohio and La Buffa Dora, BC.”
SMT: How do you deliver all the presents to every house in one day?
Santa: “It doesn’t always work out that way…but the time zones help.”
SMT: Where do you like to stop to take a lunch break?
Santa: “The Rock in Twain Harte.”
SMT: Where do you stop for bathroom breaks?
Santa: “Casinos.”
SMT: How about your reindeers? Do they use ecologically approved “deer droppings stations”?
Santa: “Do deer poop in the woods?”
SMT: Where did you get your reindeer and how did you tame them?
Santa: “I tame them like I name them…by their personalities and dispositions.”
SMT: Do you have a favorite?
Santa: “I love them all, but Rudolph is my main ride.”
Santa and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer settle in and watch an animated movie together. Can you guess what movie they’re watching?
SMT: How much do you pay for sleigh insurance?
Santa: “Very little. And again, I self insure.”
SMT: Ever been in an accident?
Santa: “A very minor sled bender many Christmas’ ago.”
SMT: Ever get any “moving violations”?
Santa: “I’ve had many moving experiences, but no violations.”
SMT: Have you ever encountered any aliens while flying through the air?
Santa: “Never in the air, but often at office Christmas parties.”
SMT: How high up do you go in your sleigh?
Santa: “High enough.”
SMT: Do you have a favorite house to stop at?
Santa: “Two favorites: The Knudson’s and Olson’s.”
SMT: Do you ever have to use a map to get to people’s houses?
Santa: “Not anymore. I use TomTom GPS.”
SMT: What is the best gift someone has left for you?
Santa: “A houseful of smiles.”
SMT: Do you stop in at the Playboy Mansion?
Santa: “Everyone knows I don’t stop at naughty girls houses.”
Santa ponders who to put on the “naughty or nice” list
SMT: When composing your “Naughty/Nice” list, what will get a person on the “Naughty” list really fast?
Santa: “Mandatory health care legislation.”
SMT: Were you ever on the naughty list as a kid?
Santa: “No.”
SMT: What do you think you’ll be giving President Obama for Christmas?
Santa: “Social Security retirement.”
SMT: What has been the most popular toy of all time?…what is your favorite?
Santa: “Cabbage Patch Kids and GI Joes. Mine is LEGOs.”
SMT: What is the craziest thing a kid has asked for?
Santa: “Bambi.”
SMT: What do you think about the Mother Lode?
Santa: “I would move here full time if I could get my elves to move with me.”
SMT: There’s a song called “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Can you explain this?
Santa: “That was the minor sled bender I referred to earlier.”
SMT: There’s another song titled, “I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus!” Any comment?
Santa: “Can’t be true…I don’t even know your mother.”
SMT: What’s your favorite Christmas song?
Santa: “Little Drummer Boy.”
SMT: Why are you so jolly?
Santa: “I listen to a lot of Christmas music. Also, I eat very well.”
SMT: Do you ever shave your beard?
Santa: “I have never shaved, but I trim it some.”
SMT: You’ve always seemed a bit heavy in the mid-section. Ever consider a diet or exercising?
Santa: “I have considered it…that is enough exercise in itself.”
SMT: What are some of the difficulties in your job?
Santa: “Bureaucrats.”
SMT: What are some of the more gratifying aspects of your job?
Santa: “Happy children and December 26th.”
Last Christmas Eve, a Sierra Mountain Times paparazzi caught Santa in the act
SMT: If a child catches you “in the act” Christmas Eve, what do you do?
Santa: “It never happens. I don’t do it where they can see.”
SMT: What do you do during the rest of the year?
Santa: “Chill.”
SMT: Do you ever get together with the Easter Bunny? Are you friends?
Santa: “Sure…and Smokey the Bear, Mickey Mouse and mother Goose. We all hang.”
SMT: What’s your philosophy of life?
Santa: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding but in all ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.”
SMT: What would you like to say to all your SMT readers?
Santa: “Keep a smile on your face and have the merriest Christmas ever! And remember, the mystery of Christmas is found within your heart. God bless you all!”
