The Love of Ben by Patt Koral
October is Down’s Syndrome Month
Sometimes someone comes into your life that changes everything, and your life is never the same. Our change came on August 5, 1977. Before that day we were the typical family. Ken was an electrician, I was a stay at home mom for our 2-1/2 year old daughter, Deena, and expecting our second child.
In 1977 it wasn’t commonplace to know the sex of your expected child, so we were so excited when our child was born to hear the doctor say, “It’s a boy”. Then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a “look” on the nurse’s face. It wasn’t bad, it was just different from what I would have expected. I shrugged it off and basked in the happiness of the moment. I loved that boy from the moment they put him in my arms. An hour later Ken’s happiness turned to fear. The doctor called Ken aside and asked, “Do you know what a Mongoloid is?” Ken had heard the word, but was not really familiar with what it meant. Without explanation the doctor informed him that it appeared that our son was a Mongoloid. It was later explained to Ken that the term Mongoloid was an antiquated term, and what they suspected was that our son had Down’s Syndrome.
Ken chose to wait until I returned home from the hospital to tell me what was suspected. We immediately made an appointment with the head of Genetics at Stanford Hospital. We took our six-day-old son, now named Ben, to be examined. Six weeks later the results were back, and he did have Down’s Syndrome. Our world seemed to crash around us, but we put on the fake smiles and told everyone all would be fine. Hey, we can handle it. Everything will be okay! “No problem” was our phrase of choice.
Ben was a healthy child and Deena was his protector. At 6 years old, Deena took Ben to school for show and tell. It’s amazing how perceptive and loving children can be. She explained Down’s Syndrome to her first grade class as if she knew it all. How proud we were of her that day. (Deena is now Deena Koral-Soto and the Resource teacher at Summerville High School)
My mother told me, “Patty, someday you are going to have to deal with your emotions regarding Ben.” My response “It’s no problem, everything is fine”. THEN reality hit!
We received a notice in the mail that it was time to register Ben for kindergarten. For the first time, I sat on the floor and sobbed. My boy was not going to kindergarten. He had been in special classes since he was 11 months old, but it was not the same. I cried for hours. There were other milestones that came and went, and each time the hurt returned. Finally I called my mother. She was right I needed to deal with my emotions. I asked her to come over so we could just talk. She did come over, but with my salvation in her hands. She handed me a Dear Abby column. “Read it Patty.” The column contained a writing by Emily Perl Kingsley titled ‘A Trip to Holland’ (to read this wonderful story visit tasgreetings.com/holland.html). At that moment my outlook changed completely. I realized that it was ok to feel sad, but it was not ok to dwell on those things we cannot change.
Because of Ben we have met many wonderful people over the past 32 years; teacher’s, Special Olympic coaches and parents of disabled children. The most significant change has been our move to Twain Harte. We moved here because of the fabulous reputation of the WATCH program, and the program has exceeded our expectations. We have made some of the most wonderful friends. I call them my new “Lifelong” friends.
Ben, as many of you know, is a sweet, caring, lovely young man of which we are so lucky to have in our lives. I know that every person who comes in contact with Ben is in some way better for it. I have been asked would I turn back the clock if there were the chance Ben would be born “normal”. My answer, “No Way.”
