Byte Me by Marv Dealy
I Hate Computers
I got an email from a cousin the other day with a complaint about how equations in an Excel spreadsheet weren’t automatically updating when she changed an entry in one cell or another. Yet, she reported, when saving and closing the document everything magically updated.
‘Hm,’ I said, email me a sample. I opened up the file, checked the preferences for formulas and discovered that my cousin’s computer, all on its own, had changed the preference to update calculations from automatic to manual.
Admittedly, this is a cousin who has sent me more than one computer for repairs after she got tangled in a cord or some such. And I love her much, but upon trying to find her office in downtown Boise on one visit after having walked to the state capitol building to see where her mother had worked for years, we got lost. This is in a city where she’s spent, oh, most of her life.
That’s okay, I still believe the computer reset that preference, and that’s one reason I hate computers.
I was sitting at a computer at the shop one day when magically a whole bunch of stuff on the desktop of one of the multiple screens just disappeared. Poof. It wasn’t all selected, at least by this user, and I didn’t push the delete key or any such thing; the computer was apparently hungry and ate a bunch of stuff, including photos I took of the ephemeral waterfalls near the Wards Ferry Bridge earlier this year.
Of course, I thought, since we’re bright, computer savvy people, our network-wide backup will give me my stuff back, so I should lower my blood pressure before blood starts spurting out the side of my neck.
Naturally, the guy in charge of backing up computers told me, “well, we don’t back up the desktop on that particular computer because…” at which point my eyes rolled back in my head and I had to be taken away by ambulance.
I’m sure my hatred of computers is shared by many out there – even if we have to use them every day, we don’t have to like the way they decide to screw with us, as witness what one computer did to my cousin’s spreadsheet to get this story going.
How is a regular person supposed to have any possible idea what is going on when a computer goes on the blink? Uh, should it have smoke coming out of it? That would be no, but that’s too easy. What about when your spreadsheet quits adding things up, or stuff just magically commits hara-kiri and then dives off the edge of your computer screen, never to be seen again, unless it’s in the land where missing socks go to die.
One lady I know somewhat stopped me in front of the grocery store the other day, saying her computer had slowed down. Well, we all do that when we get older I thought to myself, but asked instead about virus protection and the like that she had on her computer.
She mentioned a couple of programs – Norton and Spybot – then went on to talk about how she couldn’t delete temporary files anymore and asked for a house call, which we’ll happily provide. Why should she have to have a house call to get the computer running the way it ought to in the first place?
I suppose as computers continue to drop in price – you can buy an amazing netbook for about $300 – that one day they’ll be as disposable as a pump from a fish tank or a toaster or a cheap weed whacker. Doesn’t work? Toss it.
In the meantime, we pay a lot more for most of them, so there’s a certain reluctance to take a ball-peen hammer to them when they eat our homework.
I was sitting at the very computer I’m using to write this one day, reading email. Suddenly, a key stuck on the keyboard, and before I could do anything about stopping it, dozens maybe hundreds of emails disappeared, over the cliff like the fictional lemming leap in the Disney movie of decades ago, but my emails really did the big leap – gone, nowhere to be found. How do you know what you’ve lost till it’s gone? (with apologies to Joni Mitchell)
I hate computers. On the other hand, if it weren’t for computers there’d be no email (let me think about that for a minute) and I’d definitely not enjoy the occasional jokes that another cousin, this time up near the Arctic Circle somewhere in Canada sends along. In fact, let’s close today with one:
Flat Tire by A Blonde
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
“What’s going on here? “
“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.
“Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”
I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him, “Hello-O-O-O-O-O, those are my emergency flashers!”
Email questions to Marv at:
marv.dealy@throck.com.
Marv Dealy founded Throckmorten Enterprises in San Francisco in 1988 and moved the company to Big Oak Flat in 1996. Open Monday through Friday, 9-ish to 5-ish. 209-962-7308. The company provides technical support for HP’s webinars, professional website design, computer repairs, and has recently begun providing wireless ISP services. The company also publishes the Yosemite Gazette.
