Sierra Mountain Times

By Wayne Kirkbride

“The global economic crisis has reached the North Pole and threatens Christmas cheer,” said Santa in a recent phone interview with this reporter. Faced with a myriad of setbacks, Santa enumerated the challenges he, Mrs. Claus, and the elves face this year.

“Materials for toys are four times more expensive this year than last,” he said. “With the past price of oil-based products increasing, especially plastics, my costs have skyrocketed. Most toys are made with plastics. Then there is the higher cost for hay for the reindeer. Prices have tripled over last year. Not only that, but Rudolph is organizing a union and wants the reindeer to join. He’s demanding better working conditions with shorter hours in the harness pulling the sleigh. How can I give them shorter hours when there are increasingly more children to visit around the world?” Santa said this is the first time since the Great Depression days when he has received requests for lumps of coal to be placed in stockings in homes around the world. “I guess everyone is having a tough economic time,” he said.

It isn’t just the global recession that has taken a toll on Santa. Recent warming of the Arctic has seriously thawed the permafrost upon which Santa’s Village was constructed. Evidence abounds of buildings that are starting to shift, cracking walls and threatening the foundations themselves. “Only upon the freeze of winter do we get a break from the melting ice and permafrost and we must spend scarce dollars trying to shore up and repair damaged buildings,” he said.

Because of rising costs and fewer dollars coming in to support Santa, he has been forced to lay off some of the hundreds of elves in the Village. “I hated to take this action, but I couldn’t afford to keep a full staff,” he said. “It’s sad to see unemployed elves selling candy canes on street corners just to try and make ends meet. There’s been an increase in eggnog related sleigh accidents among elves in the Village. Eggnogaholics Anonymous is seeing more and more elves trying to beat the addiction. For some elves, they’ve turned to plastic surgery to make their pointy ears more human-looking as they leave the Village for countries, hoping to find work.”

Mrs. Claus has been busy contacting world leaders in hopes of securing a bail-out package, to keep Santa’s Village afloat through this and next year’s Christmas. Mrs. Claus said, “World leaders must understand that a long tradition is at risk if we are forced out of the Christmas business,” he said. “Christians would be left with only the religious celebration of Jesus’ birth without the commercialism that Santa Claus represents. There would be a ripple affect throughout countless suppliers and manufacturers around the world adding to the recession.” Mrs. Claus pointed to her husband’s Santa suit. “Look at my poor husband,” she said. “He’s lost 80 pounds and the Santa suit is now too big – all because of stress.”

Mrs. Claus was asked to comment on the charge by some that as the Chief Financial Officer of the North Pole Christmas Foundation which has lost millions of dollars, she invested heavily in sub-prime mortgages for elves and fairies that, now with higher unemployment, are also losing their homes. “The Foundation’s investments were only about 20 percent invested in so-called sub-prime mortgages,” she said. “I’m not responsible for the ‘little people’ making poor judgments in their money matters.”

Through all the tribulations, Santa, Mrs. Claus, and the remaining elves are trying their best to keep up the Holiday cheer, knowing millions of people depend upon them. “We’ll get through this difficult time, so tell your readers to continue believing in me and I will visit them as always”, promised Santa.